søndag den 3. august 2014

I wish I could

I wish I could draw or paint, so that I could express my feelings. Not to show the world, but just so I could get them out of my head. Since I was a little girl, it's always been my dream to be able to draw, but I guess I just don't have it in me. I've been doing sports probably since I could walk, but I've never been really good at it, I've been average and that's it. Even if I always wanted to be one of the best I just wasn't - maybe it's because I don't let things come naturally but all I'm focus on is trying to be the best and not the way of getting there. Sometimes I just wish I had a talent, something I was good at - something that made me feel great and a feeling like this is me, this is what I can do.

onsdag den 5. februar 2014

They just don't get it

What happened that night, was something I was highly against. I did not agree to any part of it what so ever..
What they did to me, and took advantage of the situation was wrong. They should have known better! I keep asking myself: what the hell were they thinking? I'm suppose to be a little girl in their eyes, and they should be disgusted just by the thought of me. But that was obviously not the case here.
I know I always do stupid messed up things when I'm drunk, but it's always something my friends and I can laugh at after. This time it was different, I was unconscious - knocked out when it all happened. I don't remember much from that night/morning. I told them to stop and not try to do anything to/w me, they clearly didn't listen, because the next thing I remember is, me lying there with no pants on, someone putting his dick in me and someone else putting his dick in my mouth. I was so close to barf. Never have I ever been so scared and shocked before... Again I passed out and next thing I remember is me lying on the coach with all my clothes on. The worst part is, that they both came into me.
I couldn't really sleep for 14 days. I only slept after crying myself to sleep. I had to tell someone about this so I called my aunt because I know I can trust her (or at least I thought I could) she kinda helped me trough it. But it turns out that I couldn't trust her at all. She told my uncle (her brother, my dads brother) and he said that he would beat those who did up.. The thing is, it was one of his best friends. I still haven't seen or talked to my uncle since it happened, and I don't know if I can handle seeing him. I am so scared that this will come out and my family is going to hear about it. That is my biggest fear.
One thing too that is really hard too, is that I told my four closes friends, of course they think it's horrible but then again they laugh at it and make jokes about it, because that is a typical thing for me to do. But the thing is, it is not. I don't sleep with random guys or give them heads. They just think it's funny because I kinda had a threesome. They don't see it like I do. What those guys did was against my will and I wasn't even conscious enough to prevent it from happening... The way I feel and see it, I was raped... Still today more than a month after, I am disgusted with my body because of what they did to me. I still find it hard to fall asleep at night, and sometimes I get the image of the situation, and it makes me wanna throw up.

søndag den 19. januar 2014


There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go