I wish I could

I wish I could draw or paint, so that I could express my feelings. Not to show the world, but just so I could get them out of my head. Since I was a little girl, it's always been my dream to be able to draw, but I guess I just don't have it in me. I've been doing sports probably since I could walk, but I've never been really good at it, I've been average and that's it. Even if I always wanted to be one of the best I just wasn't - maybe it's because I don't let things come naturally but all I'm focus on is trying to be the best and not the way of getting there. Sometimes I just wish I had a talent, something I was good at - something that made me feel great and a feeling like this is me, this is what I can do.

They just don't get it

What happened that night, was something I was highly against. I did not agree to any part of it what so ever..
What they did to me, and took advantage of the situation was wrong. They should have known better! I keep asking myself: what the hell were they thinking? I'm suppose to be a little girl in their eyes, and they should be disgusted just by the thought of me. But that was obviously not the case here.
I know I always do stupid messed up things when I'm drunk, but it's always something my friends and I can laugh at after. This time it was different, I was unconscious - knocked out when it all happened. I don't remember much from that night/morning. I told them to stop and not try to do anything to/w me, they clearly didn't listen, because the next thing I remember is, me lying there with no pants on, someone putting his dick in me and someone else putting his dick in my mouth. I was so close to barf. Never have I ever been so scared and shocked before... Again I passed out and next thing I remember is me lying on the coach with all my clothes on. The worst part is, that they both came into me.
I couldn't really sleep for 14 days. I only slept after crying myself to sleep. I had to tell someone about this so I called my aunt because I know I can trust her (or at least I thought I could) she kinda helped me trough it. But it turns out that I couldn't trust her at all. She told my uncle (her brother, my dads brother) and he said that he would beat those who did up.. The thing is, it was one of his best friends. I still haven't seen or talked to my uncle since it happened, and I don't know if I can handle seeing him. I am so scared that this will come out and my family is going to hear about it. That is my biggest fear.
One thing too that is really hard too, is that I told my four closes friends, of course they think it's horrible but then again they laugh at it and make jokes about it, because that is a typical thing for me to do. But the thing is, it is not. I don't sleep with random guys or give them heads. They just think it's funny because I kinda had a threesome. They don't see it like I do. What those guys did was against my will and I wasn't even conscious enough to prevent it from happening... The way I feel and see it, I was raped... Still today more than a month after, I am disgusted with my body because of what they did to me. I still find it hard to fall asleep at night, and sometimes I get the image of the situation, and it makes me wanna throw up.

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go

R.I.P

This morning a young man with the age of only 19, was found frozen by a lake. He fell and hit his head, thereafter froze to death. This young man belonged to a small town, small school, small society and a small church. But within this society all the people, they all have such big hearts and they are very supportive in everything you do. When somethings go wrong, they're always there ready to help you with whatever you need. This young man will always be remembered. All his friends, family and people he went to high school with are sharing his greatness and kindness. Sharing the memories they had with him,  or just take their time to say: rest in peace, you were and will always be loved.
The kids always have the nicest things to say in these kind of situation. I never thought I would end up in a school like that, but I'm absouloty thankful for that I did!
This kid who just passed away, he was the first guy to ever take me out on a date. It was on homecoming last year, a night I'll never forget not  I ever forget him.
I couldn't believe it when I heard the news. I'm absouloty speechless.
May God be with his family and friends.
- Remember always to say I love you

L O V E

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 
- Bob Marley

Put the smile back on

My host dad told me before I left the states that I should go home and keep smiling like I always did, and be that happy positive girl that he had become to know. I promised him that I would try my best to do it, but it was a lot harder than I could ever imagine!
The last few months I've been depressed and crappy and unsatisfied with almost everything. I started dating this one guy who made me laugh, but he also pulled me far down when I found out that he left me for another girl. I really thought that he was something else than he turned out to be, so I got really hurt.
There only one person in my life who can actually lift me up and the only one who can but that real smile back on my face - and I am so thankful for him and that I have him in my life! I love him. No matter what he can always make me laugh!
Now finally - thanks to him, I can go trough the days. With a smile on my face like I was use to, and now I can keep my promise that I made with my dad!
Feeling blessed and loved

Exactly what I didn't want to happen

For a week ago I was at a festival having fun with my friends, drinking was a part of it too. My purpose wasn't to go and find me a cute nice guy who might bf potential, but just to have fun and nothing else. First I made out with a really nice guy and good looking the first day, he even got my number which is something I don't just give because i usually don't want anything to do with them after - but whatever he was a exception. Well after I walked away from him I made out with two other guys that night. The next and last day I made out with a lot of guys. I met up with this first guy again that night too, we made out again and talked for a while. Then I went somewhere else with my friends, and ofc I made out with another guy there too. Early in the morning before I went home, I was talking again with the first guy - one of my friends told him that he's lucky if he didn't get herpes.. I told him not to believe what my friend said. Before I said goodbye, he asked if it was true - that I had made out with many other guys... I was scared of telling the truth, because if he knew he wouldn't like me, so I lied and said that there was only one other guy besides him. Didn't think he would ever find out. I've never been so wrong before, and yet I was right - because now he doesn't want to talk to me or anything. Usually I don't fall for guys easily, most of the time I'm cold and don't let guys come close to me because I'm scared that I will end up getting hurt, so I just push all my feelings aside.
This time.. This time it was different, he really hit a soft spot in me and I want to get to know him better, but of course I just had to screw it up. Now I can't stop thinking about him and wanting to text him all the time.. I can see the way he texts back that he really doesn't care for me at all and it hurts it really hurt now...